The Titans and the Terror.
Part 2 of 5.
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"I have looked into their eyes, and there are no emotions there; no fear, for they have already accepted what they are. They are the ones who have been willing to eliminate anyone who opposes them without a shred of remorse. It terrifies me to think that we face these titans, and that terror draws me insatiably.
"
Alonso I. Rodríguez de la Parra, explorer and documentary filmmaker.
Visiting one of the titans
Fear is an incredibly powerful emotion, capable of paralyzing you but also of propelling you to do what you thought was impossible. It can confuse you but also guide you when you see no other option. How can we know when to act based on what our body tells us? How do we know whether to freeze or when to act? I believe it all depends on the certainty we have about the goal we want to achieve and the drive that truly compels us to accomplish those goals we set for ourselves. I believe that fear can be molded to our advantage if we dare to understand it and experience it in its full intensity. Those who have never felt fear are likely cowards, because before experiencing it, they have already abandoned the situation, while the bravest face it every day, look it straight in the eye, and allow it to engulf them in its terror. The only way to conquer your fears is to confront them head-on and allow them to torment you. Once tormented, you will be able to navigate the storms of adversity and master terror to your advantage.
Discovering yourself is one of the most frightening aspects of self-exploration: stripping yourself bare before yourself and judging yourself honestly. From a very young age, fear has haunted me; it's one of the feelings that evokes the most memories, and although this might sound a bit dark, I want to tell you that it's quite the opposite. The achievements I'm most proud of came accompanied by a great deal of fear, doubt, and uncertainty. Without fear, I would never have achieved them, I would never have even thought about taking that step forward. I firmly believe that fear exists to be confronted, but we must be very wise to know when and how.
I vividly remember one of the first times I came face to face with this feeling. I had felt it many times before, but I had never dared to confront it. I was very young, barely understanding a few things about life. I was moving from where I lived and had just arrived in Mexico City to start kindergarten; yes, I was too young. Changing environments, changing houses, leaving my friends behind, the idea of making new friends, and all of this that I heard and barely understood caused me to enter a state of confusion and uncomfortable thoughts beyond my control. Many things didn't even make sense to me yet. The first titan I faced was one with whom I still have occasional battles today, and as I grow older, so does he.
My mother and I
It was a normal day. I was already in Mexico City, and everything was different. My mom dressed me as usual for that age, and while she was doing it, I remember her telling me I had to look very handsome because I was going to kindergarten to take my placement test, or entrance exam, or something like that. Looking back now, I know that what they gave me was a psychology and personality test. At the time, I couldn't stop thinking or feeling why on earth they wanted to give me a test, what the point was of analyzing me. I know I didn't even know who I was, and I had never felt the need to compare myself to anyone to see what "level" I was at. It filled me with discomfort to think that the test would go badly and wouldn't be good enough for anyone, that after that test my life would change completely because someone who had never seen me or knew me in the slightest would be evaluating my personality and level. Even though I was very young, I knew that this person would only ruin my freedom to grow up without judgment, that from that day forward I would have to compare myself to others and, in a way, compete. Today I can describe that feeling, but back then that's exactly what it was: a feeling of discomfort and disagreement. That fear made me make a very drastic decision at that early age, a poorly thought-out decision that I still firmly stand by today. Nothing and no one will change my identity; no one will judge me, and anyone who dares will always be wrong because with each passing day, I realized that I could do different things, I could make different decisions, and one day be a cowboy and the next an astronaut. My imagination soared, and my way of facing that fear awakened in me a sense of rebellion and cunning to express myself randomly and improvise in any game. I even learned to pause before answering and try to think about the last thing that person would expect me to say. That fear drove me to be myself, to succeed in ways I never thought possible, but also to make brutal mistakes in many things in life.
By the time I got to elementary school, I was already quite the little master at getting my way. I knew exactly what to say to my teachers and the school administrators to make them like me and find me interesting. The truth is, back then I hadn't yet developed any feelings of malice; those came later and are another story altogether. In that darkness, I found the most beautiful moments of light. Innocently, I used that skill, which I was still developing, for very good things: getting along with my classmates, trying to answer my assignments creatively, trying to make people laugh, even saying things that my elementary school teachers, even now at 30 years old, have reminded me of; things that really touched them. Without a doubt, that skill brought me many good things. When I saw all the other kids doing the same thing, I lost interest and looked for something I could do differently; if everyone was playing soccer, I decided to join the swimming team; If everyone gathered around to eat in large groups, I would get bored and preferred to wander around the courtyard and chat with people I saw alone. Doing this helped me make many friends, yes, many, but only a few with whom I truly formed strong bonds, and I still share my words and time with them to this day.
My older brother and I
Separating myself from the "pack" bothered some of my classmates; it was as if the children were starting to form cliques, and because I talked to some and not others, I was a traitor in these little groups. At that age, it seemed absurd to me: why couldn't I talk to someone just because someone else didn't like me? And I watched as the children obeyed the person who accused me of being a traitor; out of fear, they obeyed the "strongest" child in that group, and people I truly believed to be my friends started talking badly about me too, insulting me with very personal things that their parents had probably taught them, because they were things I didn't even understand. I began to feel a fear of a magnitude I thought I would never feel again. Mocking laughter surrounded me, childish insults and whispering children blurred my vision. Would being who I am prevent me from being friends with these people? Did being who I am mean not being part of the herd of kids who idolized others just for being strong or having the latest Power Rangers lunchbox? Did being who I am and thinking the way I do mean I had to suppress my way of thinking and act like everyone else?
And what does all this have to do with the sea? We'll get to that, don't worry.
One of those days when the bell rang and all the kids went out to the playground, I decided to talk to two friends who were constantly being bullied by this group of people I also considered my friends. I was very restless and the idea of sitting with the same people every day seemed absurd to me, so I dare say I got to know many people very well, but I was also judged from all sides as the "weirdo" who jumped from group to group. The truth is, I did it because I found interesting qualities in each person; they were all so different and had incredible stories to tell. Of course, this bothered some people, generally those who thought they were the "leaders" of those cliques of kids.
I will keep all these people anonymous because many have changed for the better and others for the worse, but those of us who know and lived through the story know perfectly well who we are talking about.
This group, or clique, of kids decided to throw a lunchbox at one of the boys I considered my friend. When I intervened to try and calm things down because I considered myself friends with both of them, I realized that those who claimed to be my friends weren't (a feeling that came and went many times with this group). In trying to defend him, I became their target. The laughter returned, the childish insults from this group of sheep continued, and that's when I discovered something I didn't think I was capable of. One of the boys tried to grab my neck with his arm and pull me down to use a neck clamp, causing me pain. Immediately, that creativity and the impulse not to let myself be judged transformed into a feeling of self-defense. I grabbed the arm that was holding my head, stepped on that boy's feet, and pushed myself to the side with all my strength. He fell to the ground, I broke free from his grip on my head, scratched his face, and slapped him hard across the face.
I
Después de este suceso, me sentí terrible. Todos los niños ahora se reían de esa persona que parecía ser el “líder” y se encontraba en lágrimas en el suelo; todo mi cuerpo temblaba lleno de miedo y adrenalina, sabía que lo que había sucedido no estaba bien. No sentí ni un gramo de orgullo en ello. Fuimos llamados a la sala del director de la escuela para contar lo sucedido. Cuando conté la versión de mi historia, el director me dijo unas palabras que jamás olvidaré: “Escoge bien a tus amigos. Lo que hiciste no está del todo mal, pero tampoco está bien. No te dejes influenciar por la maldad de los demás y usa tus talentos para hacer cosas buenas”. A pesar de estas palabras que me marcaron tanto, no fue ni la primera ni la última vez que me peleé. De cierta manera, todo cambió después de ese día. Había niños que me felicitaban por poner en su lugar a esa persona, había otros que empezaron a hablarme, pero que noté que solo lo hacían porque ahora buscaban refugiarse conmigo, cosa que hasta hoy en día detesto: la cobardía expresada en su totalidad. Niños hipócritas que se decían mis amigos pero después hablaban mal de mí a mis espaldas, niños cobardes que jugaban una estrategia muy rara para obtener poder. Esto sucedió mucho a lo largo de los siguientes años.
Poco me importaba porque descubrí una de mis más grandes pasiones: la música. En ella, yo podía pasar horas navegando en internet buscando cosas nuevas que escuchar o tocando y aprendiéndome canciones. Sin duda, la música me salvó de muchísimos miedos. Escuchar rock y funk me llenó de rebeldía; leía las historias de los artistas que más admiraba, y estos me llenaban de ideas locas. Todos ellos tenían cosas con las cuales me identificaba, pero ahora, en lugar de querer huir de eso, me parecía tan interesante que fuera de las distinciones de grupos había otros grupos con similitudes que podía apreciar y respetar.
Esos años de rebeldía me dieron mucho; no era una rebeldía negativa, era una rebeldía muy bien pensada; podía ser cómico, atento y querido por muchos amigos, pero cuando fijaba mi objetivo en salirme con la mía, lo lograba con destreza.
El ambiente de mi escuela era uno extremadamente pesado, una escuela donde solo había niños; sí, así es, solo éramos niños del género masculino. La competencia entre grupos de amigos y generaciones era palpable en todos los sentidos. Vivíamos en la ley de la selva: molestar o ser molestado. Tengo que aceptar que era muy divertido echar carrilla entre todos; a veces, era todos contra todos, y a veces, era todos contra uno. Cuando todos nos molestábamos entre todos, me parecía un convivio muy divertido y balanceado; al final, la mayoría de las veces acababa en risas y diversión. Aunque no siempre fue así; a veces, se nos pasaba la mano y las cosas se salían de control. En la mayoría de esas veces, traté de disculparme si alguien salía molesto o lastimado. En algunas ocasiones, no lo hice, pero hoy en día me atrevo a decir que con las personas que fui injusto, he saldado mi deuda.
Dentro de toda esta carrilla, había personas que no lo hacían con la intención de divertirse y dar una buena batalla entre amigos; había personas que lo hacían desde un lugar de superioridad y maldad. Esas personas se convirtieron en mi principal objetivo. Me atrevo a decir que contaba con la destreza verbal como la física para poder enfrentarme con cualquier niño de esa escuela; ni siquiera los mayores me daban miedo. Comencé a encontrar gran placer en molestar a esos niños que se dedicaban a molestar a los que eran menos fuertes que ellos. Entre mayor era el reto, más me atraía provocarlo, y con el paso del tiempo, esto se hizo notorio. Incluso niños de otras escuelas comenzaron a retarme, y algunos cobardes que se decían ser mis amigos utilizaban mi nombre para generar miedo entre los niños de mi edad, cosa que la verdad también detesto: esos cobardes hablando por mí y creándome una mala fama. Acepto que molesté y me pasé con algunos de mis compañeros, pero también reconozco que fueron muchísimos más los que, en mi parecer, se lo merecían. Esto me trajo mala fama, pero también los amigos que se mantuvieron conmigo ante las buenas y las malas son personas llenas de bondad e increíbles personas que conocen estas historias perfectamente.
Entre más crecíamos, estas riñas se volvían más serias, las peleas más peligrosas y los oponentes mucho más fuertes. Defendí a amigos que los molestaban por ser pequeños, me peleé por amigos que los molestaban por ser afeminados, defendí a muchos que también no merecían ser defendidos. Fue después de una pelea muy seria en la que me vi envuelto que decidí alejarme completamente de la agresividad y los encuentros físicos. Comencé a entrenar artes marciales y canalizar toda esa energía en el deporte. Sin duda, en ese camino de las artes marciales, aprendí uno de los caminos más valiosos por el cual rijo mi vida completamente: el camino del guerrero. Aprendí a escoger mis batallas y pelearlas con dignidad.
The Mouse Rodriguez
And well, with all this said, you're probably wondering, "Where on earth are the sea and the marine animals and all this stuff I really want to talk about?"
The ocean world is one where the stories of the Iliad and the Odyssey, and the tales of Homer, are constantly repeated. It is a place where mythological wars unfold in the present, where the most positive and benevolent forces seek a massive solution to environmental and global problems, while the titans of destruction, the embodiment of all evil, exist. It is a place where people sail wearing masks, where pirates are truly the good guys, and the bad guys seem to be accepted by all of society. The ocean is one where the most corrupt and malicious leaders lead the entire flock, deceived and working for their own ends, where evil plays an extremely powerful role.
The titans of the ocean are plundering it in every way. Industrial fishing feeds millions, but leads them all to their doom; deep-sea mining seeks to shatter the depths and destroy the unknown, robbing us of all hope of salvation, to name just a couple. The ignorance of the herd always prioritizes its own well-being and fears acting with integrity, for fear of being judged by the masses. Few are the brave souls who dare to act with truth. In a way, we all generally know what we can do to change and improve our relationship with the planet, but millions of us hide among the herd to continue acting cowardly.
The titans of evil wallow in the benefits of the immediate, oblivious to the fact that their own children and grandchildren will die because of their actions. But little by little, those of us who think differently, those of us who dare to be ourselves and, even more so, to think for ourselves, are awakening. Every day, more and more of us refuse to be swayed by the immediate and march with purpose to confront these titans. I am grateful to be surrounded by friends steadfast in this mission, willing to give everything so that the flock hears the cry of the titan's fall and together change the destiny that so many scientists already see as impossible to solve. The millionaires are building bunkers, while the poor are running out of water and resources. Do you think these titans will save you when things are at their worst, or will they watch you choke on dust because there won't be any water left?
I have looked into their eyes, and there is no emotion in them; no fear, for they have already accepted what they are. They are the ones who have been willing to eliminate anyone who opposes them without remorse. The mere thought of facing these titans terrifies me, and that terror draws me insatiably. I have no fear of death, so I will not choose to die, to be paralyzed, and to stop fighting for what I believe is right. I don't know what may happen in this fight, but I am absolutely certain that I will face these titans for what is just and right. Evil deeds bring evil consequences; nature, which always returns to its original state, will deliver the final blow.
Nothing is more terrifying than knowing you're in the final battle; the fear that overwhelms me every day is knowing that I have to fight and not die, that I have to fight and win, but if I were to lose, I did it with all my strength and conviction, because otherwise I would die without having died.
This is the world I live in, the world I have learned to love and respect, the world that has taught me so much and that still gives me so many lessons every day.
Flying the drone
The Titan of Destruction - Alonso I. Rodríguez de la Parra
"I have looked into their eyes, and there are no emotions in them; there is no fear in their eyes, for they have already accepted what they are. They are the ones who have been willing to eliminate anyone who opposes them without any remorse. It terrifies me just to think that we face these titans, and that terror attracts me insatiably."
Alonso I. Rodríguez de la Parra